This has been a busier than normal 3+ weeks. My two teenaged grandchildren showed up for an extended stay with us in the country. They have gone back home now. I have much to unpack and write about since my last writing, and it will come soon. In the meantime I decided to share some writing I did a number of years ago.
In it I refer to my “God Spot.” I know that is an odd term, but it is a term that I came up with in a coaching session on perspectives. When I go through a challenge, I found the perspective of my “God Spot” worked for me. When I discovered this term, I was standing in a hotel conference room, and realized I was standing directly under a spotlight. I looked at the light, and stated that my “God Spot” was a place I could be in where I truly feel God’s unconditional love for me, where even through rough waters, God was there holding my head above the water. He is the one who made “Andrea Unsinkable.”
I just want to explain this so that when you read my thoughts from years ago, you will know what my reference of “God Spot” means. Here is one of my journal entries from around 2011. Hard to believe that was nine years ago!
I found this beautiful quote last night while having a very, very tough evening. It says, “The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” I was in tears. I was in deep sadness and fear. I allowed sadness to kick me squarely out of my “God Spot.” It doesn’t matter the reason. It is the fact that fear of rejection is so powerful in me that it can happen from a friend, a boss, a colleague. My codependency raised its ugly head and roared.
I felt hurt, betrayed, and like a failure. But I know I am not a failure, so then I got angry. And the anger engulfed me. And I let it. Lick my wounds and be the victim. Sleep did not come easily. My head buzzed. My eyes hurt. I wanted to run away. A friend told me a good cry might help. I told the friend, “I’ve cried too many of my years away. I don’t want to cry anymore. Do I ever get to stop?”
That all being said, we cannot know good unless we know bad. There must be evil to recognize ultimate good. Why else would God allow bad things in our lives? I think it is so we can see the contrast and experience the amazement of his ultimate love and good.
As I slept off the sadness, remembering that I need my “God Spot” back. Nothing was different in the morning, except for me. I was back in the loving arms of my Savior, where I know I am loved unconditionally. Did I suffer? Yeah. But nothing like Christ suffered when he chose to take a beating and horrible death to redeem me. That was suffering.
I had joy in my life today. I have to make amends to those I may have overwhelmed in my sadness and anger. Yes, there are rainbows around my soul today! What a lovely image.
If my eyes had no tears, I would not recognize the good in my life. Otherwise, the good would just be everyday complacency. Good things happened. I connected with some supportive friends. It was like God knew to bring those people to me. Actually, I would not have contacted one of them if my bad yesterday had not happened. It’s not like God knew to bring them to me. He did bring them to me.