Being Human!

I have learned something important in these last few weeks of my life dealing with “Atypical Small Cell Lung Cancer.”   I am 99.9% of the time in a really good place – in a place that years ago I named “My God Spot.”  I know that is an odd term, but it is a term that I came up with in a coaching session on perspectives.  When I go through a challenge, I found the perspective of my “God Spot” worked for me.  When I named this term, I was standing in a hotel conference room, and realized I was standing directly under a spotlight.  I looked at the light and stated that my “God Spot” was a place I could be in where I truly feel God’s unconditional love for me, where even through rough waters, God was there holding my head above the water.  He is the one who made “Andrea Unsinkable.”  It’s a spot where I am directly focused on that unconditional love.

After I wrote my blog last Saturday, I did the unthinkable.  I listened to a podcast by JAMA (Journal of American Medical Association) about my particular cancer diagnosis.  It had nothing good to say.  It threw me into a funk I had not been in since the day I received the diagnosis.  It threw Dennis in the same funk because we listened to it together.  

I had allowed myself to fall out of my “God Spot.”  I told Dennis that I was done reading and listening to the negative.  

I had become Peter the Apostle.  He was an interesting dude.  So fickle, and yet Jesus tells him he will be the head of the church.  He was hot-tempered.  He’s the one who pulled his sword and cut off the ear of a temple guard who arrived to arrest Jesus.  This is the guy who denied he was a follower of Christ during Jesus’ persecution—not once but three times.  Where is this story goiong?

On the occasion of Jesus feeding the people—the bible says 5,000 men were fed besides women and children.  In the first century women and children were not counted but God counted them—it’s has been figured that Jesus probably fed around 10,000 people from those 5 loaves and 2 fish.  As Jesus blessed the food, it was passed out to everyone and there were 12 baskets of leftovers.  

The day had not started out as a joyous occasion for Jesus—he had just heard of the beheading of John the Baptist.  He went away to be alone, but the crowds followed him, and Jesus took compassion on them and healed many of the sick.  By evening the disciples told Jesus that he should send the people to the nearest villages to get some food because they were in a desolate place and there was no food nearby.  Jesus told them collect whatever food they could find amongst the people.  That is where they came with the 5 loaves and 2 fish.

After everyone was fed Jesus told the disciples to go ahead of him and take their boat to the other side of the water, while he dismissed the crowds.  This is where Peter gets into the story.  It says, “And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea.” ~Matthew 14:25. I looked that up.  The “fourth watch” is between the hours between 3:00am and sunrise, apparently the darkest time of night.  Now this ragtag group of guys (yes, these disciples) look out the boat and see this person walking toward them on the water, and instead of being excited to see Jesus, they are scared and they think they saw a ghost!  Yes, it says that in the bible!  ~Matthew 14:25.  They spent the whole day with Jesus and then do not recognize him!  I assume that’s okay—we tend not to see something out of context, and seeing a person walk on top of choppy water is definitely out of context.

But then, Jesus knows what an ordinary group of men they are (God always used ordinary people), and he told them not to be afraid, it was him.  Of course, Peter, the doubter (actually they call Thomas the doubter), but Peter says, 

“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”  Duh!  So, Jesus told him to come.  Peter steps out of the boat and walks on the water to Jesus.  Then Peter “saw the wind.”  Peter didn’t see the wind, he saw the waves kicking up because of the wind—we can’t see wind, we see the results of wind, like we can’t see God, but we see the results of his goodness.  Back to Peter.  He “saw the wind and he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord save me. Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”  And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.” ~Matthew 14:28-34

Okay, I’m done with the Sunday School lesson!  So, how was I like Peter?  I turned my face from Jesus—I looked at the wind, the things the podcast was saying—and I got frightened.  I started to sink.  If you have ever started to walk on water, you know how quickly you can sink.  I had to put myself in my “God Spot” once again.

I am sharing this with you because I do have moments when the fear and sadness creep in, where I don’t see the good that is happening around me, that I think all the bad things are going to happen and happen faster than I am prepared for.  I don’t like living in that moment.  I do my best to just keep it at a moment.  I find my “God Spot” again.  I let God’s love flow over me.  Below is a quote I wrote about my “God Spot” in a blog I wrote March 29, 2018—little did I know I would need to go back and read it.  If you click on this sentence, you can read that whole blog, if you wish.

Immerse myself in his love—and kindness—and forgiveness. Close my eyes, hold my breath and feel it. Feel God’s Spirit pour over me, immersing me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Yes, these are the fruits of the Spirit. This is my gift from God—first his sacrifice for my life, his death on the cross, his giving me life with him, through him, and for him. And he pours out the Holy Spirit on me—and gives me these gifts of the fruits of the Spirit. They are a gift, and I have to open the package, take them out and try them on. Because God knows me and my heart, these will fit me perfectly—no return needed for this gift. Bask in the gifts. Don’t be afraid. I cannot be bold and courageous when afraid. I tend to let go of self-control when I am afraid. My emotions are on my sleeve and hard to control. God gave me self-control in the perfect size just to fit me. Try it on. Look in the mirror. It looks good.

I received a beautiful gift from my cousin in Illinois who sent me a  framed Calligraphy picture of the Philippians 4:8 paraphrased.

These are such good words no matter your faith.  If you take your mind to these things, it sweeps out the cobwebs in our heads and gives us the good things to think on. 

I (like Peter) fall in and out of my “God Spot.”  I am so thankful that God throughout history has used ordinary people for his purposes.  That’s why when you read the bible, you don’t read about heroes.  It is filled with people who do great and then fall down, and get up, and then fall down again.  It is our humanity.  God redeems and uses each one of us ordinary people.  When I am in my “God Spot” I have true contentment and “peace that passes understanding.”  I don’t know how else to describe it.  

Don’t think me a hero, I am just an ordinary girl with ordinary fears, but I have a God who is bigger than my diagnosis.

If you would like a lung cancer white ribbon pin, please message me with your name and address and I will send you one (U.S.A only). It will not only help you to remember to pray for me but to remember all those going through this very rough journey.