I live in this weird world of cancer. It is like living in limbo. I could not feel the tumors grow, whenever they grew—I know a chest x-ray from 3 years ago says I have clear lungs. I also cannot feel if these tumors in my body are dying. I just go through my days like any other day, not knowing what is really happening in my own body.
I have recently been rereading, “Facing Your Giants,” by Max Lucado. I love that book. I could read it a million times over. It is about David in the Old Testament. As he describes Goliath in the book, he calls him a bully from Gath High School wearing his letter jacket threatening anyone who wants to fight him. My giant that I am fighting is cancer. My big bully giant went the University of Carcinoma! He’s a sneaky big thing—he works in silence, and his silence results in a roar. He is threatening and dangerous. I look small next to him. There is one thing I know, just like young David in the Bible knew, God is way bigger than this giant!
I don’t have a sling with five stones, but I have 1) a really good place for care called MD Anderson Cancer Center; 2) I have the best children and grandchildren and family members who love, care, and pray for me; 3) I have so many friends all over the country and maybe all over the world who are praying for me; 4) I have a wonderful husband who is walking this journey with me, sitting through these boring hours of infusions and still wanting to be there, and; 5) most of all I have a God who is bigger than all of this. I think those are good five stones fighting a battle much bigger than me.
I had scans a couple weeks ago. The tumors in my lungs and liver have not grown—this is good news since the neuroendocrine tumor is a big hungry tumor and very aggressive. The scans are too early to see a lot of anything but that. On the other hand, I have two METS (metastasized) to my brain, and little, microscopic ones which are not yet METS but could become ones. My oncologist does not want at this time to do radiation on my brain. He is concerned it will cause cognitive issues. I totally agree. The type of chemo I am on actually can pass through the blood brain barrier, and he is hoping that after several infusion rounds that these METS will go away. If not, Whole Brain Radiation may be back on the table. We have looked into other “experimental” treatments, but they are not a viable option at this time. My eyes are open for other things, but I need to see what this first four rounds are doing. In May a new game change may happen.
What am I doing to get through this? I am just taking it all a day at a time. The good lessons I learned while in a twelve-step group for codependency years ago taught me I can only control what I have control of. You know, the Serenity Prayer:
A couple weeks ago I looked in the mirror and saw an old homeless lady pushing a grocery cart down the sidewalk. It was my image of my hair—just stringy and no thickness to it as I had before the chemotherapy treatments. I was not unhappy that the hair was leaving my head—it was the only sign I had that there was actually big bad boy chemotherapy working in my system. However, I was sad every time I looked in the mirror. As you know from previous posts, I bought some wigs, but when home they are not always on. They feel like I have a squirrel sitting on top of my head. I looked at Dennis and told him the thing I could do to have some control over what I could control. I wanted to shave my head. He asked if I wanted him to take me to a beauty salon. I told him that was unnecessary. Charlie had a set of clippers, and I was sure he would allow me to borrow them. That is what I did. I gave myself a nice summertime little boy buzz cut. Funny that I didn’t do that to my four sons when they were kids—they had such nice hair that I couldn’t do that to them! I am really happy I clipped it off. I don’t feel like the bag lady—I feel empowered with a private buzz cut at home and a hat or wig when going out.
My life is good. I have lived 77 years. Not all the years were good—I have had some real challenges in my life. I have realized that when I was 6 years old, I had my appendix taken out in an emergency operation—had I been born 50, 100 years earlier, or even in the early 1950’s when I was a child, I could have died at age 6. When I was 31 years old, I had a tubal pregnancy and once again an emergency surgery where I was given 5 units of blood in the operating and recovery rooms. Many doctors are amazed I survived that. I missed my youngest son’s first birthday while I was recovering in the hospital. I asked my sister not to forget his birthday. No digital cameras back then, but I got Polaroid photos of the party and four little Taylor boys looking very confused on a day that their mom should be giving the party.
Now my four little Taylor boys are grown adults and a couple of them have grown adult children. I am sure they are equally confused today as they are when the youngest had his first birthday party. I have no answers for them other than God has carried me through those early illnesses, and we need to grab his hand and ask him to get us through whatever he has for me this time. God is always faithful.
If you are looking for a good read, check out Amazon or your favorite book seller for “Facing Your Giants” by Max Lucado. His writing style is easy and fun. Here’s a short excerpt:
“The toothpick versus the tornado. The minibike attacking the eighteen-wheeler. The toy poodle taking on a rottweiler. What odds do you give David against his giant?
Better odds, perhaps than you give yourself against yours.
Your Goliath doesn’t carry sword or shield; he brandishes blades of unemployment, abandonment, sexual abuse, or depression. Your giant doesn’t parade up and down the hills of Elah; he prances through your office, your bedroom, your classroom. He brings bills you can’t pay, grades you can’t make, people you can’t please, whiskey you can’t resist, pornography you can’t refuse, a career you can’t escape, a past you can’t shake, and a future you can’t face.
You know well the roar of Goliath.“
David in the bible was not perfect. In fact, his life was quite messy, probably messier than most people realize. The bible doesn’t shy away from messy stories, because God knows how messy we are, and there is hope even for the messiest. David lived a very unusual life from the boy who killed a giant, to being hunted down by King Saul because David was a threat to the throne (in spite of David and King Saul’s son, Jonathan, being best friends), to the death of King Saul which David mourned, and David becoming king, but had an affair that caused a pregnancy, had a person murdered, and was a polygamist. His personal life was a mess, but God never let go of him, and he returned to God. Great read—check it out. Maybe it will help you with whatever giant you are facing.
Andrea Unsinkable 