When Things Look Bleak, How Can I Be Joyful?

We have been home for two weeks and I am now finally falling into somewhat of my normal Arizona home routine.  I feel like I have so much on my plate to do, which is silly.  I’m retired and everything that is on my plate to do is of my own making.  It is important to me to keep busy and to have projects and plans.  That is how I best operate.

As I returned after being gone most of the summer, people seems surprised to see me looking and feeling as well as I ever have. My hair has gone through several changes since February.  I am so happy to have it growing back.  It is even coming back with my little girl curls I had more than 75 years ago.  The transition of my hair:

The other things that people comment on are how healthy I look or how tan I am.  On February 9, the day I was given the official diagnosis, the oncologist told me he did not want me to diet whatsoever.  On the other hand, he told me that he wanted me to continue whatever I was doing to work out.

A few years ago, we purchased a swim spa.  It is 15’ long, so it’s kind of like a giant hot tub and small swimming pool, except we don’t heat it as a hot tub—can’t imagine what that would cost.  It is heated in the winter so that it is not too cold to use.  My favorite workout is to turn on the jets and run against them.  It’s not like real running.  If I did that kind of run on the sidewalk someone would think there was something wrong with me.  Oh yeah, there is, but not what they are thinking! I suppose if I were lying flat in the water, it would look like I am swimming.  When I say I run in the water, I run in place, but with the jets running against me, I have to use my arms similar to swimming to keep me in place.  If I stop running and moving my arms, the pressure of the water jets will throw me to the back of the spa.  The jets on the spa turn on for only 15 minutes, so once it is over, I turn the jets back on, and that is one way I know I have run for a solid 30 minutes.  The other way I know is that I wear my Apple watch while I do this.  It not only records that I am working out, but it also records my heartrate and how long it takes my heart to go back to normal rhythm after finishing my work out. It saves all the data of my exercise.  I can set my watch for water exercise or for open water swimming.  The open water swimming is kind of funny to look at because it will say what kind of strokes I was taking (which is none of these).  When I am finished working out, time permitting, I lay out on my raft in the water just relaxing.  Thus, I look fit and suntanned although I spend only about an hour a day outdoors.  It is hot Arizona weather to consider. I was even able to do a similar exercise this summer in the swimming pool at my son’s home in Missouri.

When the doctor told me to continue working out, he said that this would help me build up my immune system especially while getting immunotherapy infusions.  I am so grateful that thus far I have not had to limit any of my activity.  I feel that well.

On the other hand, there is this little cloud hanging over my head that one day may burst open and pour all over me.  It is a weird feeling that I am not sure most people understand.  It’s the knowledge that something real is in my body that wants to kill me.  So far, I have been blessed to have this nasty little thing (that wants to be very big) staying at bay.  But when will the cloud burst?

Another analogy is Damocles’ sword.  It’s an ancient Greek story of a man name Damocles who was envious of the power of the king, so the king offered to switch jobs with him for a day.  As Damocles sat on the throne, he noticed that the king had put a sword above his head hanging by just one horsehair.  The king wanted Damocles to realize how dangerous and easy to lose that power.  Damocles hated that threat so much that he begged the king to go back to where he was.

We all want to sit on the throne of healthy.  A sword is hanging over all our heads but held by several strands of horsehair and maybe even braided for added strength.  But those of us who have a cancer cell in us or some other issue—maybe a bulging aorta, a funky heart—we have that sword hanging by one hair. Will that hair break?  Will it hold strong?  For us sitting on that throne, there are some days where that can feel overwhelming such as days before a scan when the “scanxiety” happens, or before meeting with the doctor who is going to explain what the scans, blood tests, x-rays, etc. really mean.

Actually, I have really become sensitive to others who may have that sword over their heads.  I grieve when I hear of someone else getting a bad diagnosis.  I am so sad when I hear of someone not getting adequate healthcare from their provider or have been turned down by their insurance company for something the doctor thinks would help the patient.  I get really sad when I hear someone who was in remission coming back into active illness.  Has this sword fallen on them?  When will it fall on me?

Fortunately, my mind doesn’t go there often.  Because I feel good, I have not stopped my everyday living.  I go to church, I go to the store, I go out to eat.  I invite guests to my home and even cook them a meal. 

My life has not changed since diagnosis. What has changed is how I see God’s hand so much better.  How he loves and cares.  How I can give my fears to him.  How can I explain that?  Nothing more than what it says in the bible in Philippians 4:4-7 which says, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Meriam-Webster Dictionary Definitions

Rejoice: to feel joy or great delight

Always:  at all times; in any event

Anxious: extreme uneasiness of mind

Petition: an earnest request

Peace: freedom from being disturbed or bothered

Transcend:  to rise above or go beyond the limits

Guard:  the act or duty of protecting or defending

So let me reword these verses using ordinary dictionary definitions of what it says to me:

Feel joy all the time regardless! Do not feel extremely uneasy.  Pray with a thankful heart and make my earnest requests to God.

So, even though feeling anxious, I must remember the things for which I am thankful and be joyful in those things. Now is the cool part.  Once again using the dictionary definitions, what is God going to do when I do that?

God will give me freedom from being bothered or disturbed by whatever it is that is making me anxious in the first place, and this freedom of being disturbed by whatever circumstances will be freedom of anxiety beyond any known limits and will protect my heart (my mind) from this anxiety because of Jesus Christ, my Savior.

That is all I can say about how I feel.  I never realized how weird that is for most people.  How on earth can I feel so emotionally good when Damocles’ sword is hanging over my head?  Sometimes I think something is wrong with me.  Why am I so joyful?   Shouldn’t I feel worried and anxious?  All I can say is that for years Philippians 4:4-7 has been my favorite verses in Scripture, but only recently have I realized the truth in those words.  Only God can give me the peace I feel.  Is this supernatural?  You better believe it is!

What is making you feel anxious?  Read those verses in Philippians.  If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, you can trust these verses.  It may take time.  We humans aren’t very trusting.  My suggestion is you read those verses daily and think about the little things and big things that you are thankful for.  With a glad heart, thank God.  In that same prayer when you thank him, tell him what you need. Make your requests be known.  He may not give you the answer you want or the way you want it, but He promises to give you peace about it that is beyond your imaging.