This past month has been a trial of my stamina and peace. I am now the only driver in the house for at least two months. We have double of the doctor visits than we had 2 months ago. For the last two weeks I have been driving either myself or Dennis to various doctors and hospitals.
I don’t think that is what is wearing me thin. It’s having a PET scan a week ago and not seeing the written results when I search for it. There are probably several good and not alarming reasons for that. First, I have a new doctor. My former oncologist, who has moved on, used to read the scans himself almost immediately. Therefore, it was posted on the patient portal by the next day. I probably will learn who my new doctor is when I meet with my advance care nurse.
When delays like this happen, my brain goes all kinds of places, and not necessarily good places. There must be something terrible they don’t want me to see before I meet with them. They lost my scan and therefore there is no results good or bad. So many scenarios roll through my head, and most of them not good.
Have you ever heard of the acronym “HALT” which is used a lot in 12-step groups? HALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Those are four things in our lives that can lead us to “stinkin’ thinkin.” That was me Tuesday. I had not seen my PET scan results and being tired, I just overreacted. Then I got angry. I was angry at cancer, angry that two of us have cancer, angry that days on end we are driving to doctor’s offices and cancer centers, with no relief in sight. When I am angry, I cry. I was holding it all back because I was out in public. Then that just makes me angrier. I just wanted to be home, not out somewhere so that I cannot be what I am feeling. By the time I got home, I realized I needed a nap, which is a rarity for me. My little nap lessened the anger, but I was still sad.
Yesterday I was better. We had to be at MD Anderson Cancer Center at 9:30 a.m. That is a perfect time. We can sleep like normal. No getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 to dash out the door in rush hour traffic. Everything was running late there. The lab was packed with people, the clinic area was packed with people, and so was the waiting area for infusion. I finally asked if I missed the notice that they had a sale going on today. I’m still waiting for the BOGO sale for both Dennis and me! I just find it so crazy to see how many people are walking in and out of MD Anderson. It’s only one of many cancer centers in the Phoenix area. I mean, yeah, I ask myself every time I go there, How many people have cancer in this town? The number must be overwhelming.
I finally met with my advance care nurse. I wasn’t depressed I told her. I was angry. Why is my PET scan not posted on the patient portal? And, also, why are my labs not available on the portal to see before I walked into the clinic? Her answer shocked me. No imaging report because they haven’t read it yet! Yikes! She was not happy about that either. She told me that she looked at it and everything appears to be good. She also said my labs were all in the normal range—I finally got to see those on the portal. Yay!
I hated that the whole process took so long the other day. I did get assigned a doctor. His name is Dr. Lee. That’s all I know for right now. I will meet him at my November appointment. He doesn’t start there until next week. I asked the nurses if they have ever seen Dr. Lee. None have seen him yet. So, I showed this photo of Charlie and said that this is Dr. Lee and when he comes with me to MD Anderson, I want no one to question it! Yes, while I was sitting in the infusion chair so frustrated that I was gone from home for so long that day, I asked AI to dress up Charlie. It did a great job, if you ask me. Do you think they will buy that?
I’m not angry any longer. I was so afraid there was some nefarious reason my imaging and labs were not posted. Someone in radiology must have called in sick. How dare them ruin my two days? The truth be told—I allowed circumstances to ruin my two days. I let feelings get in the way of logic. I, once again, took my eyes off of Jesus, and started sinking.
The day after that I finally had my office visit with my primary care doctor. My oncologist has been telling me to get updated flu and pneumonia shots, so I got them yesterday. Usually, they are no-brainers for me, but this time, my arm was so sore, and I ran a low fever. I went to bed early. I still didn’t feel good in the morning and spent most of the day sleeping in a chair. Now that is so not me. I don’t do naps. I feel a bit better, and I expect that by tomorrow I should feel like myself again. What is really odd about this is that in my cancer journey since February, I have not felt sick at all—that is until I get a couple immunizations! How ironic that is.
Now you know I am human. I don’t have good days all the time. I do have some tough days. I am still trying to cope with the fact that Dennis and I are both in this same boat and we are both trying to keep it from sinking.
Neither of us were given a good diagnosis at the beginning. It kind of feels like there are little holes in the boat and we are rowing like crazy to keep it afloat. We are working hard at plugging up all the little holes before they become big holes. Rowing and boat repairing is emotionally exhausting, but we are up for the job. We will get tired. We will get sad. We will get frustrated. In all those human responses, we must always remember that we have a God who is bigger than any diagnosis.
